Trick Of The Light - The Who

Somedays you're the cannon, somedays you're the ball...

Train in Vain

My friends know that when i take public transportation the odds are good that I'm going to meet some goods that are odd.  To lay money on it would be to take a sucker bet.  I have had weirdos blow in my ear, share with me the joy of frottage in a crowded car, kiss me (in Paris...Vive L'Amour!) and on more than one occasion I've smelled rather than witnessed the emptying of bodily fluids.  I feel like i am living in medieval Europe.  When i enter the train will there be a scrub woman or house-wife screaming GardeyLoo as the slop comes falling?   I have had a very obviously insane woman try to push me down the aisle, a tourettes sufferer scream at me because she was too fat to sit next to me and a manic lunatic tell me that i make him sick because my feet - which couldn't reach the floor- were swinging as the bus moved.  I am weary.  Nowadays i try to walk more and now i see even walking isn't safe.  I noticed today that on 3 separate occasions people walked from one side of the walk over to where i was walking and came straight at me.  Oh, do we have to play chicken now?  I stood my ground but seriously?  What goes on in with people.  As i drew close to home i was crossing a street, on my light and a fool comes speeding around a corner honking his horn at me.  Because i didn't move fast enough i got called a fat-ass.  For her trouble she got told to fuck off. 

I wonder when we became uncivilized baboons bent on our own selfish needs with no regard to others.  It honestly feels like no one cares about anyone any longer. 

Troglo-Date

troglodyte -

trog⋅lo⋅dyte/ˈtrɒgləˌdaɪt/ Show Spelled Pronunciation [trog-luh-dahyt] Show IPA
–noun

1. a prehistoric cave dweller.
2. a person of degraded, primitive, or brutal character.
3. a person living in seclusion.
4. a person unacquainted with affairs of the world.
5. an animal living underground.

*****************************

This past Sunday morning i leashed up the dogs and took them for a nice walk around the neighborhood. We took a different route and as one would hope, we met a friendly neighbor!
This older (60ish?) gent reached down to give Lucy a pat on the head. we made small chat and were on our way. I looked up to see the man making his way down the block towards us causing a small wave of apprehension...this isn't going to turn out well.

I said "uh oh doggies, he's coming to get you" and he replies "yes, i am" at which he bent down to give them the butt-rub of their lives. I mean these dogs twitched and spasmd and looked ecstatic. I've never seen them so .... orgasmic!

Impressed i say Wow, you really gave them a good butt rub. (stupid! I open the door and what happens next?)

His response:
"Wouldn't you enjoy a good butt-rub?" And there it is. Tracy's perv encounter for June.

I guess i didn't look horrified enough because he then says "i hope this isn't too much information" - which of course is going to be WAY too much information- but he goes on "my girlfriend has.. whaddaya call... a tilted cervix and she could never orgasm, told me she always had to fake it."

Really? I mean, this i had to know? And on he goes, "Well, Until she met me she was never satisfied but i found the spot and let me tell ya, WhoopEEEE!!! 7 years later, we're still together."

You know, for a split second i was almost tempted to ask "Interesting, do tell, where exactly IS this magic spot" but common sense dictates that you RUN AWAY not TOWARDS so i awkwardly said my
"ummmmm. uh..... ok. Well, i have to go this way now, nice talking to you...BYE!" and I practically dragged those poor dogs down the alley before any more sex tips headed my way.

What Not To Wear.

I found myself, late one night attempting to make my coffee for the morning and upon opening the fridge i'm faced with HORROR!!! I am out, OUT i tells ya of my half and half. This. Will. not. DO!!!
It's 9:30 in the evening, i'm lounging in my hand-me-down maternity dress (NO. i"m not and Don't judge me, it's comfortable!!) Now i'm faced with dillemma. do i go to the store or do i drink black coffee when i call my RaczCampari in the morning. (or Sylvia as she is known to everyone else.) i'm pacing and the mind is working feverishly. I am dressed, it's not pajamas and who will be at Jewel at 10.00 on a Wednesday Night??

Well, since i am in the car driving to Jewel, i may as well go to the bank, i mean, i'm already out here.
Now tell me, why o WHY do i always get behind the one person on Earth who has never used an ATM? The one person who keeps pushing the wrong buttons, needs to re-do their transaction and acts like this new-fangled machinery will be the death of us all? WHY???????

Ok, Ms. Born Yesterday in a hovel in a remote uncivilized corner of the world with no access to 19th century technology finally figures out how to punch in a pin and get cash and manages to drive her semi-retarded self out of the lot.

i do my biz, get my cash and off i go. In my oversized maternity dress. To the Grocery store.
(note: this is not a Mama Cass Elliott Muumuu, but a cute little stripey number with a wrap front :)

So i'm at Jewel for my one item and lo and behold my cart is full. Ooh! Ice Cream! Oh, my cereal is on sale...Wow i'm out of seltzer water....Do i need bacon?

I finally shake myself out of my late night shopping jag and make my way up front to the cashier and as i'm paying i see the man bagging my groceries staring at me and that is when i realize....
My boob is practically hanging out of my maternity dress.

And here is Tracys lesson learned: If you don't have MATERNITY TEATS, You don't need a top that opens easily for feeding. Because without said heaving maternity teats, that top is going to open MUCH MORE EASILY!

Life in El (a theatre class project....Mildred was my partner.)

The scene:
Two seats, side by side and littered with newspaper, garbage on the floor, and graffiti across the top.

Mildred: (nudging Tracy) Hey wake up, we’re about to leave Howard.
Tracy: (yawning) I’m up, I’m up.

Mildred: So as I was saying yesterday, this guy gets on the train, puts his nasty feet up on me and starts yapping on his cell. I have NEVER heard such nasty talk. Before I started this job I didn’t know what a booty call was. I was so innocent then.

Tracy: I know, this one time a woman talked all about some guy she picked up the night before. Everyone on the train got an earful that night. I didn’t realize you could put so many things in so many different places.

Oh Geez, here comes stankyjoe.

Mildred: please don’t sit here, please do not sit here.


DAMN!

Leaning back as if someone is sitting on her lap.

Mildred: Why doesn’t this person take a bath? I mean really, is water that expensive? He can’t jump in the lake and take a rinse? Every fiber of my being is turning black from his stink.
And tell me why. WHY does he always have to sit in this seat, in the SUN!
Tracy: I think I can see a cloud of funk forming over us.

Mildred: I am going to smell like his cheesy funky ass all day now.
Tracy: At least he didn’t……..(bwwwwwwwwwaaaaaaap…a fart.)

Mildred: Ewwwwww….you jinxed it!
Tracy: Oops
Mildred: more like poops.

Tracy: you know, I am getting a little tired of being ridden all day. Everyday it is the same stuff. A big ass coming down hard keeping us from doing what we want. I feel stifled.

Mildred: yeah, we work hard to make sure everyone else gets to where they need to be but what about us - The working stiffs?…we get to sit here and watch everyone else come and go. I’m tired of this dead end job.

Tracy: When I was a little baby seat, you know what I dreamt of being
Mildred: do tell.

Tracy: I always wanted to be a massage chair. Those guys have it good. You work hard all day, but if someone bothers you, you can throw an extra punch into their kidney or vault them into the floor and at the end of the session you get turned off and it’s nap time. Yeah, that is the life I was meant to lead. Not this, gum in my lap, garbage at my feet and graffiti on my legs crap.
What about you? What was Mildred’s great goal in life.

Mildred: Ok, first, you need to relax more.
Promise you won’t laugh.
Tracy: I swear on that wino’s life…

Mildred: I always wanted to be a chair on a space shuttle. Flying out into the universe, seeing the stars, the planets, zero gravity, I know you have to be high tech but damnit, I want to see the moon!

Tracy: a chair can dream.
Mildred: Yes, thank you. We sure can.

Tracy: You know, we could be recycled some day.
Mildred: From the scrap yard to space station?

Tracy: From the junk heap to the Spa!
Mildred: In the meantime…

Tracy: Yes, in the meantime…
Mildred: (sighs) Here come the Lakeview kids.

Tracy: Hey! Let us see if we can make that little chubby one fall in the floor at the Sheridan turn…
Mildred: That was funny as hell last time!

Tracy: yeah, write across the top of my head will ya….


 

CTA Porno Theatre

When a person puts in an eight hour day at the grind the last thing they want is to be annoyed on the train ride home. Throw in a hot day, a Cubs game and lots of people crammed into a Red Line train and you have a truly lovely ride home. NOT.

To make this ride home just that much more entertaining toss in a stoned, ghetto rat slumped in his seat making strange faces at everyone. Along with myself, another grim faced 9 to 5'er managed to find seats next to this guy and little did we know we had just become extras in Ghetto Porn Theatre.

Stoney Stonerson's cell phone rings and he picks it up. "hey baby.....I'm comin over. I wanna do yoo in yo basement." (what? does he mean in her....ass? Does she keep a fuck room in the cellar?)
Yeah, i wanna do you in your basement." "Hell yeah you'll have fun. I gotta big dick" (oh. my. god.) Fuck Yeah i gotta big dick. My daddy has one, my grandaddy had one. we ALL got big dicks." (dear lord, this guys crabby scabby dick is the last thing i want to hear about!)

At this point the woman sitting next to him is looking at me like "is this fool for real??" He was absolutely shameless not to mention so disgusting looking that we started wondering what the person on the other end must look like if she would DO him!
Well, i guess she decided to call him a fool because he next says "why you callin' me stupid? You talkin to me. That makes you stupider." (OH HELL NO! you ain't gettin any booty now, dumbass!)

Evidently she was not bothered by this and he happily got off (no pun) on Wilson, presumably to go dig around in someones basement.