Online Dating

So i finally succumbed to the online dating frenzy begun by one and now (not!) enjoyed by many of us.

We have discovered that if you are under 40, thin and relatively pretty this will be an awesome idea. Everyone else should probably fuck off back under the rock from which we came.

I have a few observations:

1. If you are 50
a. should you really request 25-39 yr olds
b. who are sexy, slender and athletic
c. when YOU look as old and beat down as Ernest Borgnine with a head cold?

2. Do you really need to include "I enjoy making love often" in your profile?
a. Unless you are a eunuch, i think the assumption will be made.
b. It makes you look REALLY creepy

3. If your photo shows you holding a drink, smoking a cigar and standing with Las Vegas in the background, i believe you may be telling the world that you are a colossal douchebag. You earn extra points if two siliconed Paris Hilton/Kim Kardashian Wannabes are in the photo!



Happy dating, everyone! It's a jungle out there.

Update: Now i fully realize this is a feminine point of view. Gents- if you have a comment to make, speak now or forever hold your piece..er peace.

Japan's Booming Sex Niche: Elder Porn

That is right. Elder Porn. If hot young buff bodies aren't your kink, how about granny and papa going at it like two rutting mules? An article in Time.com features 74 year old Shigeo Tokuda who has starred in over 350 movies over the last 14 years. "Tokuda's exploits have proved to be a goldmine for Glory Quest, which first launched an "old-man" series, Maniac Training of Lolitas, in December 2004. Its popularity led the company to follow up with Tokuda starring in Forbidden Elderly Care in August 2006. Other series followed, and soon elder porn had revealed itself as a sustainable new revenue stream for the industry.

I imagine domestic cinematic gems such as...
Betty does Boca
Grandpa gets gummed
Granny Grunts...and how!
Driving Miss Daisy...CRAZY

Actually i think sexuality in elder years is a good thing. If you can still saddle up, why not go for a ride? KY and Viagra were invented for a reason.

I would prefer however for there to be a very heavy door, thick drapes and soundproof walls between me and the action.

When i was a much younger person, perhaps about 10 or 11, the boys in our neighborhood would get discarded porn from the factory workers in the many local shops.

Most of our sex ed came from photos in some very *ahem* interesting publications.
The most eye-popping came when God knows who came along with a magazine featuring a very white haired old lady BLOWING an old grandpa.

That was the day i decided to walk the other way whenever the guys came by with their latest finds. It's been 30 years and i can still see that (1930's porno retiree) woman giving a humdinger to an old coot.

This article just brings that image right back to the front of my mind.

Yellow Listed: i spy e.coli

I work downtown, medium sized company and we have a problem. There is serious Non-compliance in the hand washing department.

It has become a stealth mission to flush out these offenders and ID the dames who whiz and walk without any hesitation for hygiene. We aren't out to shame anyone but amongst us we keep each other informed and warned. This isn't an "outing or shaming" of a person. We want to know which foods to avoid at potlucks, whose hands not to hi-5 and which documents we should leave lay.

I know it's silly to skulk around like a rat listening for water splashing, and i am aware that studying the shoes of the person next to you so you can find them more easily may be a bit much..but if you're not a pee hand-washer, are you also not a poo hand-washer? I have no desire to experience E.coli so insane snooper i shall remain.

Finally, to the woman at Nordstroms who left a bloody, used tampon on the floor OUTSIDE the stall, next to the sinks...REALLY?

Did you fart so hard that it shot out onto the floor, slid to the sinks and there it should remain? Seriously, you couldn't grab some towels and pick it up?

A long-term love affair.

I was about 12 when i first saw Star Wars. That was the day i fell in love. His name was Han Solo and he was a ne'er-do-well from outer space. I loved the way he mocked the old man and the kid, threatened the 'droids and cast sneaky, curious & lusting looks at the young princess. His sex appeal was palpable. Men wanted to be him, women wanted to tame him.

Although Han was tough when he needed to be and tender when he needed to be - he really was quite often an asshole and i wanted him like a junkie needs a fix.

The dangerous past, sarcastic wit, and smoldering sex appeal sent my imagination soaring. I didn't know anything but the biological fact but i was developing quite a keen idea of how things may occur. My man was a space cowboy and i wanted him to show me the Pompatus of love.

1978: Feathered hair and spandex pants were not for me.

I wanted to touch his manly Chest Hair and get a peek at what he was hiding down those form fitting trousers. This was my adolescent fantasy. Han Solo in 1978, again in 1980 and then once more in 1983.

I have to admit, 30 years and a lot of grey hairs later i still want to touch that chest hair and sneak that peek. Only difference is i've been married and divorced and Han is now a 66 year old actor with grandkids. I do not care. He's my Cary Grant. There was a man who aged wonderfully and still had sex appeal in his twilight years.

Han can be 98 with no hair, one crooked Kukla tooth angled sideways, and a giant dead wookiee stuffed and mounted in the corner. He'll always be my first love, my first fantasy and my enduring ideal of what a man should be. Ok - Perhaps with a little less assholery. That shit gets old no matter how hot you are.

The Page 123 Book Meme

This is a pretty fun meme i copped from a friends blog. I won't tag anyone, i'll just post my contribution here.

Enjoy!!

The Page 123 Book Meme. Here are the rules:

1. Pick up the nearest book (of at least 123 pages).
2. Open the book to page 123.
3. Find the fifth sentence.
4. Post the next three sentences.
5. Tag five people.

from "Anybody Out There"

"Duh...because he asked you?" Testily she said "it was a joke. Sort of. So why won't you marry the guy?"
Incoherently, I spluttered, "Reason (a) I barely know him and i've spent too much of my life being impulsive, I've used it all up. Reason (b) Aidan has too much baggage and i don't want a fixer-upper. Reason (c) As you yourself, Jacqui Staniforth, said - and I bet you're right- he's probably a hard dog to keep on the porch... What if he's unfaithful to me?"

something to make you smile

I adore my dogs. They are like my little babies. I know, they are dogs-not children but they bring me so much joy and when i am feeling as low as i could get, they have a way of bringing me back. They are my salvation.

This morning i heard that a woman in Peotone was busted with stacks of caged puppies that she had mistreated and neglected. The animals are at PAWS animal rescue in Tinley Park. If you are looking for a pet, please check out PAWS Chicago, The Anti-Cruelty, or any other animal rescue for your new companion. They can and will love you unconditionally and nothing feels better than that.

Did i miss an opportunity or dodge a bullet?

when i was 16, just starting my junior year in high school i found out a certan boy liked me.

I went to an all girl Catholic High School and had been over-protected growing up so i really didn't know what to make of this.

I had been sheltered by a nervous grandmother who was going to do everything in her power to see that i got an education, a career, and then a family. The teen pregnancy rate in our family was a little high around that time so she was prepared to chain me to a radiator in the basement if she had to.

This boy and i met through friends. His friend was dating my friend and our crowd occasionally hung out together. I knew he was a nice guy so i felt confident that my honor would be safe with him.

Ultimately he and i started talking and decided to go to a movie. He was my first real "date" - one on one, just me and him. We went to see "Halloween 3 (or was it 4)
The Season of the Witch. I remember it for how awful the movie was. We had a nice time and i was excited to see him again, i was eager to face this new chapter in my life.

Well, my friends after our date decided to tease me. He was very tall, i'm very short. It was all good natured ribbing, nothing mean but i freaked. It was like they saw every vulnerability i had. I couldn't handle it and i just wanted it to go away. I stopped seeing him before we really started. I had already asked him to go with me to my Junior Ring Dance so i made up a feeble story about being grounded and unable to go. Pretty transparent.

We never really talked to each other again after that. Our friends dated for a long time afterwards so on occasion we'd see each other but he was never again cordial to me.

It's been over 25 years and for some reason lately it has been bothering me. I know that he's married, has a family and appears to be a content guy. Why i should let this bother me now, maybe it's just the reflection on all the chances i had in life and let slip away because i was afraid.

It's time to start grabbing the bull by the horns and stop being afraid.

I regret and have always regreted being so immature, and unwilling to stand up for what i wanted. I let someone who may have been a pretty decent first boyfriend get away.