Troglo-Date

troglodyte -

trog⋅lo⋅dyte/ˈtrɒgləˌdaɪt/ Show Spelled Pronunciation [trog-luh-dahyt] Show IPA
–noun

1. a prehistoric cave dweller.
2. a person of degraded, primitive, or brutal character.
3. a person living in seclusion.
4. a person unacquainted with affairs of the world.
5. an animal living underground.

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This past Sunday morning i leashed up the dogs and took them for a nice walk around the neighborhood. We took a different route and as one would hope, we met a friendly neighbor!
This older (60ish?) gent reached down to give Lucy a pat on the head. we made small chat and were on our way. I looked up to see the man making his way down the block towards us causing a small wave of apprehension...this isn't going to turn out well.

I said "uh oh doggies, he's coming to get you" and he replies "yes, i am" at which he bent down to give them the butt-rub of their lives. I mean these dogs twitched and spasmd and looked ecstatic. I've never seen them so .... orgasmic!

Impressed i say Wow, you really gave them a good butt rub. (stupid! I open the door and what happens next?)

His response:
"Wouldn't you enjoy a good butt-rub?" And there it is. Tracy's perv encounter for June.

I guess i didn't look horrified enough because he then says "i hope this isn't too much information" - which of course is going to be WAY too much information- but he goes on "my girlfriend has.. whaddaya call... a tilted cervix and she could never orgasm, told me she always had to fake it."

Really? I mean, this i had to know? And on he goes, "Well, Until she met me she was never satisfied but i found the spot and let me tell ya, WhoopEEEE!!! 7 years later, we're still together."

You know, for a split second i was almost tempted to ask "Interesting, do tell, where exactly IS this magic spot" but common sense dictates that you RUN AWAY not TOWARDS so i awkwardly said my
"ummmmm. uh..... ok. Well, i have to go this way now, nice talking to you...BYE!" and I practically dragged those poor dogs down the alley before any more sex tips headed my way.

What Not To Wear.

I found myself, late one night attempting to make my coffee for the morning and upon opening the fridge i'm faced with HORROR!!! I am out, OUT i tells ya of my half and half. This. Will. not. DO!!!
It's 9:30 in the evening, i'm lounging in my hand-me-down maternity dress (NO. i"m not and Don't judge me, it's comfortable!!) Now i'm faced with dillemma. do i go to the store or do i drink black coffee when i call my RaczCampari in the morning. (or Sylvia as she is known to everyone else.) i'm pacing and the mind is working feverishly. I am dressed, it's not pajamas and who will be at Jewel at 10.00 on a Wednesday Night??

Well, since i am in the car driving to Jewel, i may as well go to the bank, i mean, i'm already out here.
Now tell me, why o WHY do i always get behind the one person on Earth who has never used an ATM? The one person who keeps pushing the wrong buttons, needs to re-do their transaction and acts like this new-fangled machinery will be the death of us all? WHY???????

Ok, Ms. Born Yesterday in a hovel in a remote uncivilized corner of the world with no access to 19th century technology finally figures out how to punch in a pin and get cash and manages to drive her semi-retarded self out of the lot.

i do my biz, get my cash and off i go. In my oversized maternity dress. To the Grocery store.
(note: this is not a Mama Cass Elliott Muumuu, but a cute little stripey number with a wrap front :)

So i'm at Jewel for my one item and lo and behold my cart is full. Ooh! Ice Cream! Oh, my cereal is on sale...Wow i'm out of seltzer water....Do i need bacon?

I finally shake myself out of my late night shopping jag and make my way up front to the cashier and as i'm paying i see the man bagging my groceries staring at me and that is when i realize....
My boob is practically hanging out of my maternity dress.

And here is Tracys lesson learned: If you don't have MATERNITY TEATS, You don't need a top that opens easily for feeding. Because without said heaving maternity teats, that top is going to open MUCH MORE EASILY!

Life in El (a theatre class project....Mildred was my partner.)

The scene:
Two seats, side by side and littered with newspaper, garbage on the floor, and graffiti across the top.

Mildred: (nudging Tracy) Hey wake up, we’re about to leave Howard.
Tracy: (yawning) I’m up, I’m up.

Mildred: So as I was saying yesterday, this guy gets on the train, puts his nasty feet up on me and starts yapping on his cell. I have NEVER heard such nasty talk. Before I started this job I didn’t know what a booty call was. I was so innocent then.

Tracy: I know, this one time a woman talked all about some guy she picked up the night before. Everyone on the train got an earful that night. I didn’t realize you could put so many things in so many different places.

Oh Geez, here comes stankyjoe.

Mildred: please don’t sit here, please do not sit here.


DAMN!

Leaning back as if someone is sitting on her lap.

Mildred: Why doesn’t this person take a bath? I mean really, is water that expensive? He can’t jump in the lake and take a rinse? Every fiber of my being is turning black from his stink.
And tell me why. WHY does he always have to sit in this seat, in the SUN!
Tracy: I think I can see a cloud of funk forming over us.

Mildred: I am going to smell like his cheesy funky ass all day now.
Tracy: At least he didn’t……..(bwwwwwwwwwaaaaaaap…a fart.)

Mildred: Ewwwwww….you jinxed it!
Tracy: Oops
Mildred: more like poops.

Tracy: you know, I am getting a little tired of being ridden all day. Everyday it is the same stuff. A big ass coming down hard keeping us from doing what we want. I feel stifled.

Mildred: yeah, we work hard to make sure everyone else gets to where they need to be but what about us - The working stiffs?…we get to sit here and watch everyone else come and go. I’m tired of this dead end job.

Tracy: When I was a little baby seat, you know what I dreamt of being
Mildred: do tell.

Tracy: I always wanted to be a massage chair. Those guys have it good. You work hard all day, but if someone bothers you, you can throw an extra punch into their kidney or vault them into the floor and at the end of the session you get turned off and it’s nap time. Yeah, that is the life I was meant to lead. Not this, gum in my lap, garbage at my feet and graffiti on my legs crap.
What about you? What was Mildred’s great goal in life.

Mildred: Ok, first, you need to relax more.
Promise you won’t laugh.
Tracy: I swear on that wino’s life…

Mildred: I always wanted to be a chair on a space shuttle. Flying out into the universe, seeing the stars, the planets, zero gravity, I know you have to be high tech but damnit, I want to see the moon!

Tracy: a chair can dream.
Mildred: Yes, thank you. We sure can.

Tracy: You know, we could be recycled some day.
Mildred: From the scrap yard to space station?

Tracy: From the junk heap to the Spa!
Mildred: In the meantime…

Tracy: Yes, in the meantime…
Mildred: (sighs) Here come the Lakeview kids.

Tracy: Hey! Let us see if we can make that little chubby one fall in the floor at the Sheridan turn…
Mildred: That was funny as hell last time!

Tracy: yeah, write across the top of my head will ya….


 

CTA Porno Theatre

When a person puts in an eight hour day at the grind the last thing they want is to be annoyed on the train ride home. Throw in a hot day, a Cubs game and lots of people crammed into a Red Line train and you have a truly lovely ride home. NOT.

To make this ride home just that much more entertaining toss in a stoned, ghetto rat slumped in his seat making strange faces at everyone. Along with myself, another grim faced 9 to 5'er managed to find seats next to this guy and little did we know we had just become extras in Ghetto Porn Theatre.

Stoney Stonerson's cell phone rings and he picks it up. "hey baby.....I'm comin over. I wanna do yoo in yo basement." (what? does he mean in her....ass? Does she keep a fuck room in the cellar?)
Yeah, i wanna do you in your basement." "Hell yeah you'll have fun. I gotta big dick" (oh. my. god.) Fuck Yeah i gotta big dick. My daddy has one, my grandaddy had one. we ALL got big dicks." (dear lord, this guys crabby scabby dick is the last thing i want to hear about!)

At this point the woman sitting next to him is looking at me like "is this fool for real??" He was absolutely shameless not to mention so disgusting looking that we started wondering what the person on the other end must look like if she would DO him!
Well, i guess she decided to call him a fool because he next says "why you callin' me stupid? You talkin to me. That makes you stupider." (OH HELL NO! you ain't gettin any booty now, dumbass!)

Evidently she was not bothered by this and he happily got off (no pun) on Wilson, presumably to go dig around in someones basement.

I feel like letting my freak flag fly..pt 2

So the previous blog is stories of dates gone bad. Some of us don't even get to the dates. Some of us get the freak flag at full mast right out of the gate.

Take for example the night Sylvia and I went to a bar downtown (Spikes Rat Bar) and i met a guy named Stu.

Stu was an older gent from the East Coast and he was nice enough, bought us drinks, and was a generally entertaining kind of guy. As the evening wore on, he asked for my number and me being drunk i happily gave it. I should mention that he got my number because he was going to take me out for a wonderful night on the town of dinner, clubbing, etc.

BAD BAD idea. Stu's freak flag was seriously flying that night i just didn't know it yet. He must have called my house 5 times before i even got home. Each message contained "suggestions" for his ideal evening with me.

You wanna hear what the ETCETERA was???
I want you to sit on my face and let me sniff your bunghole
I want you to smack my balls
I want you to shove.. WHOA Whoa whoa...ERASE now!

So while i'm listening to these messages, guess who calls. Yep it's probably 4 a.m. and he calls AGAIN. This time i'm there to take the call and tell him "i'm not really thinking this is a good idea." thanks anyway and good luck with....all that.

Oh, and i told him my name was Wilma so all my messages began with Wilma, you know what i want you to do?....

blech.

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Spikes Rat Bar again.

It's the Air and Water show in Chicago and never has there been a better time for two young single dames to go trolling for military types. This place would be crawling with Navy types. Think the Bar from Top Gun only slightly less HAWT!!

So i'm flirting with a "pilot" (that is what he told me, he was wearing what appeared to be some kind of flightsuit, and that is what i chose to believe.) and Sylvia was flirting with i don't even know who. But lurking in the background was an OLD MAN, waiting for Sylvia to look like she is without attention. At closing time we all march down the alley to an after hours bar to continue the fun and that's when Oldie Oldson attacks. I'm still talking to my pilot who is increasingly turning into an unpleasant and belligerent drunk while Sylvia is trying to give Gramps the brush off. Suddenly everyone in the bar hears "OH MY GOD" at top volume and i spin around to see whats going on.

Sylvia looks utterly horrified and she says "Do you want to hear what this guy just said to me???" He now is embarrassed and is trying to get me and my guy to shove off. "I didn't say anything, don't worry about, she's ok." Oh hell no. Sylvia is going to tell me what this man said.

He had the nerve to look her in the face and say "i want to eat you until your skull caves in" and then he licked his lips like he was trying to get chicken gravy from around his mouth.

Even the angry drunk pilot was like, ewh..seriously?

We got the hell out of there shortly thereafter.

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So Sylvia and I are sitting at our fave place in the burbs (for a change of venue.) and a guy sitting next to me, clad in Buffalo Bills gear starts chatting us up. He seems nice enough, harmless older guy having a beer. Maybe somewhere in his 60s. We start singing Hey Buffalo Bill, who did ya kill, Buffalo Bill...we were drunk, what do you want. Anyway, Buffalo Bill is being a relatively harmless dude when suddenly he leans over to me and says "when is the last time you had sex. It's been years for me."

WhAAAAAAAAT?????? He goes on, "i just got me some viagra, wanna come home with me?"
He then grins this big shit eating grin and exposes teeth yellow from tobacco and dotted with flecks from his chewed up cigar. Oh hell yeah! Who wouldn't want to hit that?

Thats when we decided to move to the other side of the bar.

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Let your freak flag fly!

I asked around my friends and coworkers about the freakiest/wierdest/or just plain off-putting'est dates they ever had. Naturally all the women had MULTIPLE stories so i had to expand my query to the guys. I got one but I'm still waiting for more!

Anyway, without further ado, here is the cream of the crop:




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From LD.

I went out on a date with someone that told me he worked in the Mayor’s office. Most likely the janitor in the Mayor’s office.

When we talked on the phone everything clicked, everything was great. Online this guy’s picture was far away, blurry and about the size of a postage stamp. But since I decided that I don’t like to be judged by my outer shell, I thought I would give this guy a chance. Anyway, he was working that night until 11:00pm so I was hanging out in the city with one of my friends eagerly awaiting his call. He finally did call and sounded angry that I was occupying my time at a bar with a friend rather than sitting at home all alone. He pulled up to the bar outside and told me he was waiting and to come out immediately. I told him I was settling up the bill. He sounded impatient and annoyed. I was rather annoyed and thought this guy better be worth it when I meet him face to face.

So I run out to his truck and I quickly pull open the door, jump inside and his head turned towards me slowly. His thick neck was practically hidden by his large head and when he spoke, his thick lips reminded me of a carp searching for food. Before I could recoil in terror, he said, “You don’t have to go out with me if you don’t want.” After a momentary pang of pity, I took action. Never before have I taken an out like this, but I ran with it. I made up some quick story on the spot of how my friend was inside waiting for her online date but that she had been stood up. I told him I’d call him later. Wonder if he’s still waiting…..

From G.

College junior year…I had just taken a break from the college sweetheart and decided to keep my options open and date around a little. The first guy I met was through my art class….that right there should have been a warning. Art guys are always weird. So it was a 3-D design class, project number two…create something that helps illustrate a side of you through only objects found in your home. We had been hanging out for only about three weeks, so I did think it was weird when he put a picture of me on this cross made out of vacuum hoses and kitchen utensils. I however, consider myself open minded and went with the flow. The day before the project was due I went over to his house and we worked on our projects together till the middle of the night. After falling asleep, I woke up with him standing over me…I was like is everything okay he was like yeah just about to finish the project go back to sleep…so I did. The next morning I left and told him I would see him in class that afternoon. So, I get to class and everyone presents there projects and has to explain what they used and why. It is his turn to go he takes out his cross and of course I see my picture on it…with something surrounding it…What is it you ask???? MY HAIR! He had cut pieces my hair in the middle of the night and glued it to the heart surrounding my photo! CREEPY!!!! I was in shock and my art professor was like good use of material…Material…it is my HAIR!!! I was so creeped out that I cut it off with him right after class. He told me I was not seeing the big picture that it was art. The next morning I woke up to the hair cross on my front porch….with a poem asking if he could wash himself with my hair. Needless to say I dropped that art class…when the professor asked why..I told her that I was scared what other parts of me would show up in art projects if I stayed in the class. She laughed and signed the drop slip!

From S.

OMG I have one – I don’t know if it’s funny but I am still pissed off about it.

During my junior year of college, I tried the online dating thing, Yahoo Personals to be exact. BTW, I have not dared to recommend Yahoo Personals to anyone. Well, I setup my profile on the site and I immediately got responses. I was like YES no more boring weekends with my roommates (I swear these chicks were from HELL). Initially all of the WRONG guys responded to my profile. I do not understand how men just simply DO NOT read. My profile clearly state obvious things like (If you are over 25 do not contact me because I was only 20 at the time but I got responses from 40 year old perverts who knew that I was still a 20 year old baby. ) I also had if you have kids or if you are not employed, do not contact me. I found out that men lie just because – no reason just because. The fact that your children do not live with you does not mean that you do not have any and just because you have a source of income does not mean that you are EMPLOYED (there are some real idiots out there). Anyways, I was ready to give up on the online thing about 2 weeks after I kept getting nothing but losers. So a few days before I decided I was going to shut down my profile I got a response from a guy that sounded Perfect! Let me tell you he seemed perfect if you were a female that did not look beyond the obvious. Unfortunately, for him I am the female that looks in all the nooks and crannies.

His name was Christopher W***s and he was FINE. He was 24 and a High School gymnastics teacher. He has recently graduated from Tuskegee with an education degree. OK so this idiot had a job and no kids. However, having 2 kids on the way means that your ass has kids. His excuse was that he was not sure that the kids were his so he was waiting to have paternity tests. Oh, let me tell you how I found out that this fool had two babies on the way. He came to my dorm to pick me up for a date and we went to my side of town for dinner. Come to find out you never know who knows you. I saw a couple of my friends and introduced him and I knew something was up when one of my girls asked me to go to the bathroom with her. I was on a date and she wanted me to go to the bathroom – red flag. She told me how this IDIOT was from her old neighborhood and he was a DOG. I could not believe it but I am no fool either. So I played it cool and we had dinner (I was hungry and I need a ride back to my dorm). When the night ended, he dropped me back at my dorm and we were sitting around talking. I asked him how he felt about kids and he said he was cool about having kids but not now. I asked him again (DO YOU HAVE ANY KIDS) and he said NO. SO I said DO YOU PLAN TO HAVE ANY KIDS IN LIKE the NEXT 6-9 MONTHS – the idiot still said no. So I just asked him about the 2 kids that were potentially his and he then said those are not my kids – YET. You mean to tell me you have a college education, you are a teacher for that fact of the matter, and you are SOOOOO stupid. I had him explain himself and he said that he cheated on those two women so he was sure that they could have cheated on him too, so he was not admitting to being a father. He had no proof that they cheated he just assumed they did because he did – talk about DUMB. Anyways, I told him thanks for dinner but I did not want to see him anymore. He told me how great we were together and he did not want to lose me. First, I do not have time to be a stand-in mommy to two kids. Second, you are a loser. Do you know this dummy broke down and started crying in my dorm room? I told him he had to leave and he called his MOTHER on me – his mother! I talked to her and told the woman to come and get her son. This boy – oops man sat outside my dorm room door for about 15 minutes crying until I called security and they escorted him out. DISASTER – now I hear that he is gay – seriously, he is gay now. Thank GOD, I got rid of that one.

Aries

The Ram
March 21 to April 20
Traditional
Aries Traits

Adventurous and energetic
Pioneering and courageous
Enthusiastic and confident
Dynamic and quick-witted

On the dark side...

Selfish and quick-tempered
Impulsive and impatient
Foolhardy and daredevil


it's amazing i haven't had more concussions from running headfirst into brickwalls...