Troglo-Date

troglodyte -

trog⋅lo⋅dyte/ˈtrɒgləˌdaɪt/ Show Spelled Pronunciation [trog-luh-dahyt] Show IPA
–noun

1. a prehistoric cave dweller.
2. a person of degraded, primitive, or brutal character.
3. a person living in seclusion.
4. a person unacquainted with affairs of the world.
5. an animal living underground.

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This past Sunday morning i leashed up the dogs and took them for a nice walk around the neighborhood. We took a different route and as one would hope, we met a friendly neighbor!
This older (60ish?) gent reached down to give Lucy a pat on the head. we made small chat and were on our way. I looked up to see the man making his way down the block towards us causing a small wave of apprehension...this isn't going to turn out well.

I said "uh oh doggies, he's coming to get you" and he replies "yes, i am" at which he bent down to give them the butt-rub of their lives. I mean these dogs twitched and spasmd and looked ecstatic. I've never seen them so .... orgasmic!

Impressed i say Wow, you really gave them a good butt rub. (stupid! I open the door and what happens next?)

His response:
"Wouldn't you enjoy a good butt-rub?" And there it is. Tracy's perv encounter for June.

I guess i didn't look horrified enough because he then says "i hope this isn't too much information" - which of course is going to be WAY too much information- but he goes on "my girlfriend has.. whaddaya call... a tilted cervix and she could never orgasm, told me she always had to fake it."

Really? I mean, this i had to know? And on he goes, "Well, Until she met me she was never satisfied but i found the spot and let me tell ya, WhoopEEEE!!! 7 years later, we're still together."

You know, for a split second i was almost tempted to ask "Interesting, do tell, where exactly IS this magic spot" but common sense dictates that you RUN AWAY not TOWARDS so i awkwardly said my
"ummmmm. uh..... ok. Well, i have to go this way now, nice talking to you...BYE!" and I practically dragged those poor dogs down the alley before any more sex tips headed my way.

What Not To Wear.

I found myself, late one night attempting to make my coffee for the morning and upon opening the fridge i'm faced with HORROR!!! I am out, OUT i tells ya of my half and half. This. Will. not. DO!!!
It's 9:30 in the evening, i'm lounging in my hand-me-down maternity dress (NO. i"m not and Don't judge me, it's comfortable!!) Now i'm faced with dillemma. do i go to the store or do i drink black coffee when i call my RaczCampari in the morning. (or Sylvia as she is known to everyone else.) i'm pacing and the mind is working feverishly. I am dressed, it's not pajamas and who will be at Jewel at 10.00 on a Wednesday Night??

Well, since i am in the car driving to Jewel, i may as well go to the bank, i mean, i'm already out here.
Now tell me, why o WHY do i always get behind the one person on Earth who has never used an ATM? The one person who keeps pushing the wrong buttons, needs to re-do their transaction and acts like this new-fangled machinery will be the death of us all? WHY???????

Ok, Ms. Born Yesterday in a hovel in a remote uncivilized corner of the world with no access to 19th century technology finally figures out how to punch in a pin and get cash and manages to drive her semi-retarded self out of the lot.

i do my biz, get my cash and off i go. In my oversized maternity dress. To the Grocery store.
(note: this is not a Mama Cass Elliott Muumuu, but a cute little stripey number with a wrap front :)

So i'm at Jewel for my one item and lo and behold my cart is full. Ooh! Ice Cream! Oh, my cereal is on sale...Wow i'm out of seltzer water....Do i need bacon?

I finally shake myself out of my late night shopping jag and make my way up front to the cashier and as i'm paying i see the man bagging my groceries staring at me and that is when i realize....
My boob is practically hanging out of my maternity dress.

And here is Tracys lesson learned: If you don't have MATERNITY TEATS, You don't need a top that opens easily for feeding. Because without said heaving maternity teats, that top is going to open MUCH MORE EASILY!