Wednesday, November 26, 2008

I feel like letting my freak flag fly..pt 2



So the previous blog is stories of dates gone bad. Some of us don't even get to the dates. Some of us get the freak flag at full mast right out of the gate.

Take for example the night Sylvia and I went to a bar downtown (Spikes Rat Bar) and i met a guy named Stu.

Stu was an older gent from the East Coast and he was nice enough, bought us drinks, and was a generally entertaining kind of guy. As the evening wore on, he asked for my number and me being drunk i happily gave it. I should mention that he got my number because he was going to take me out for a wonderful night on the town of dinner, clubbing, etc.

BAD BAD idea. Stu's freak flag was seriously flying that night i just didn't know it yet. He must have called my house 5 times before i even got home. Each message contained "suggestions" for his ideal evening with me.

You wanna hear what the ETCETERA was???
I want you to sit on my face and let me sniff your bunghole
I want you to smack my balls
I want you to shove.. WHOA Whoa whoa...ERASE now!

So while i'm listening to these messages, guess who calls. Yep it's probably 4 a.m. and he calls AGAIN. This time i'm there to take the call and tell him "i'm not really thinking this is a good idea." thanks anyway and good luck with....all that.

Oh, and i told him my name was Wilma so all my messages began with Wilma, you know what i want you to do?....

blech.

**********************************

Spikes Rat Bar again.

It's the Air and Water show in Chicago and never has there been a better time for two young single dames to go trolling for military types. This place would be crawling with Navy types. Think the Bar from Top Gun only slightly less HAWT!!

So i'm flirting with a "pilot" (that is what he told me, he was wearing what appeared to be some kind of flightsuit, and that is what i chose to believe.) and Sylvia was flirting with i don't even know who. But lurking in the background was an OLD MAN, waiting for Sylvia to look like she is without attention. At closing time we all march down the alley to an after hours bar to continue the fun and that's when Oldie Oldson attacks. I'm still talking to my pilot who is increasingly turning into an unpleasant and belligerent drunk while Sylvia is trying to give Gramps the brush off. Suddenly everyone in the bar hears "OH MY GOD" at top volume and i spin around to see whats going on.

Sylvia looks utterly horrified and she says "Do you want to hear what this guy just said to me???" He now is embarrassed and is trying to get me and my guy to shove off. "I didn't say anything, don't worry about, she's ok." Oh hell no. Sylvia is going to tell me what this man said.

He had the nerve to look her in the face and say "i want to eat you until your skull caves in" and then he licked his lips like he was trying to get chicken gravy from around his mouth.

Even the angry drunk pilot was like, ewh..seriously?

We got the hell out of there shortly thereafter.

*************************************************

So Sylvia and I are sitting at our fave place in the burbs (for a change of venue.) and a guy sitting next to me, clad in Buffalo Bills gear starts chatting us up. He seems nice enough, harmless older guy having a beer. Maybe somewhere in his 60s. We start singing Hey Buffalo Bill, who did ya kill, Buffalo Bill...we were drunk, what do you want. Anyway, Buffalo Bill is being a relatively harmless dude when suddenly he leans over to me and says "when is the last time you had sex. It's been years for me."

WhAAAAAAAAT?????? He goes on, "i just got me some viagra, wanna come home with me?"
He then grins this big shit eating grin and exposes teeth yellow from tobacco and dotted with flecks from his chewed up cigar. Oh hell yeah! Who wouldn't want to hit that?

Thats when we decided to move to the other side of the bar.

****************************************************

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Let your freak flag fly!

I asked around my friends and coworkers about the freakiest/wierdest/or just plain off-putting'est dates they ever had. Naturally all the women had MULTIPLE stories so i had to expand my query to the guys. I got one but I'm still waiting for more!

Anyway, without further ado, here is the cream of the crop:




******************************************

From LD.

I went out on a date with someone that told me he worked in the Mayor’s office. Most likely the janitor in the Mayor’s office.

When we talked on the phone everything clicked, everything was great. Online this guy’s picture was far away, blurry and about the size of a postage stamp. But since I decided that I don’t like to be judged by my outer shell, I thought I would give this guy a chance. Anyway, he was working that night until 11:00pm so I was hanging out in the city with one of my friends eagerly awaiting his call. He finally did call and sounded angry that I was occupying my time at a bar with a friend rather than sitting at home all alone. He pulled up to the bar outside and told me he was waiting and to come out immediately. I told him I was settling up the bill. He sounded impatient and annoyed. I was rather annoyed and thought this guy better be worth it when I meet him face to face.

So I run out to his truck and I quickly pull open the door, jump inside and his head turned towards me slowly. His thick neck was practically hidden by his large head and when he spoke, his thick lips reminded me of a carp searching for food. Before I could recoil in terror, he said, “You don’t have to go out with me if you don’t want.” After a momentary pang of pity, I took action. Never before have I taken an out like this, but I ran with it. I made up some quick story on the spot of how my friend was inside waiting for her online date but that she had been stood up. I told him I’d call him later. Wonder if he’s still waiting…..

From G.

College junior year…I had just taken a break from the college sweetheart and decided to keep my options open and date around a little. The first guy I met was through my art class….that right there should have been a warning. Art guys are always weird. So it was a 3-D design class, project number two…create something that helps illustrate a side of you through only objects found in your home. We had been hanging out for only about three weeks, so I did think it was weird when he put a picture of me on this cross made out of vacuum hoses and kitchen utensils. I however, consider myself open minded and went with the flow. The day before the project was due I went over to his house and we worked on our projects together till the middle of the night. After falling asleep, I woke up with him standing over me…I was like is everything okay he was like yeah just about to finish the project go back to sleep…so I did. The next morning I left and told him I would see him in class that afternoon. So, I get to class and everyone presents there projects and has to explain what they used and why. It is his turn to go he takes out his cross and of course I see my picture on it…with something surrounding it…What is it you ask???? MY HAIR! He had cut pieces my hair in the middle of the night and glued it to the heart surrounding my photo! CREEPY!!!! I was in shock and my art professor was like good use of material…Material…it is my HAIR!!! I was so creeped out that I cut it off with him right after class. He told me I was not seeing the big picture that it was art. The next morning I woke up to the hair cross on my front porch….with a poem asking if he could wash himself with my hair. Needless to say I dropped that art class…when the professor asked why..I told her that I was scared what other parts of me would show up in art projects if I stayed in the class. She laughed and signed the drop slip!

From S.

OMG I have one – I don’t know if it’s funny but I am still pissed off about it.

During my junior year of college, I tried the online dating thing, Yahoo Personals to be exact. BTW, I have not dared to recommend Yahoo Personals to anyone. Well, I setup my profile on the site and I immediately got responses. I was like YES no more boring weekends with my roommates (I swear these chicks were from HELL). Initially all of the WRONG guys responded to my profile. I do not understand how men just simply DO NOT read. My profile clearly state obvious things like (If you are over 25 do not contact me because I was only 20 at the time but I got responses from 40 year old perverts who knew that I was still a 20 year old baby. ) I also had if you have kids or if you are not employed, do not contact me. I found out that men lie just because – no reason just because. The fact that your children do not live with you does not mean that you do not have any and just because you have a source of income does not mean that you are EMPLOYED (there are some real idiots out there). Anyways, I was ready to give up on the online thing about 2 weeks after I kept getting nothing but losers. So a few days before I decided I was going to shut down my profile I got a response from a guy that sounded Perfect! Let me tell you he seemed perfect if you were a female that did not look beyond the obvious. Unfortunately, for him I am the female that looks in all the nooks and crannies.

His name was Christopher W***s and he was FINE. He was 24 and a High School gymnastics teacher. He has recently graduated from Tuskegee with an education degree. OK so this idiot had a job and no kids. However, having 2 kids on the way means that your ass has kids. His excuse was that he was not sure that the kids were his so he was waiting to have paternity tests. Oh, let me tell you how I found out that this fool had two babies on the way. He came to my dorm to pick me up for a date and we went to my side of town for dinner. Come to find out you never know who knows you. I saw a couple of my friends and introduced him and I knew something was up when one of my girls asked me to go to the bathroom with her. I was on a date and she wanted me to go to the bathroom – red flag. She told me how this IDIOT was from her old neighborhood and he was a DOG. I could not believe it but I am no fool either. So I played it cool and we had dinner (I was hungry and I need a ride back to my dorm). When the night ended, he dropped me back at my dorm and we were sitting around talking. I asked him how he felt about kids and he said he was cool about having kids but not now. I asked him again (DO YOU HAVE ANY KIDS) and he said NO. SO I said DO YOU PLAN TO HAVE ANY KIDS IN LIKE the NEXT 6-9 MONTHS – the idiot still said no. So I just asked him about the 2 kids that were potentially his and he then said those are not my kids – YET. You mean to tell me you have a college education, you are a teacher for that fact of the matter, and you are SOOOOO stupid. I had him explain himself and he said that he cheated on those two women so he was sure that they could have cheated on him too, so he was not admitting to being a father. He had no proof that they cheated he just assumed they did because he did – talk about DUMB. Anyways, I told him thanks for dinner but I did not want to see him anymore. He told me how great we were together and he did not want to lose me. First, I do not have time to be a stand-in mommy to two kids. Second, you are a loser. Do you know this dummy broke down and started crying in my dorm room? I told him he had to leave and he called his MOTHER on me – his mother! I talked to her and told the woman to come and get her son. This boy – oops man sat outside my dorm room door for about 15 minutes crying until I called security and they escorted him out. DISASTER – now I hear that he is gay – seriously, he is gay now. Thank GOD, I got rid of that one.

Sunday, November 23, 2008

Aries


The Ram
March 21 to April 20
Traditional
Aries Traits

Adventurous and energetic
Pioneering and courageous
Enthusiastic and confident
Dynamic and quick-witted

On the dark side...

Selfish and quick-tempered
Impulsive and impatient
Foolhardy and daredevil


it's amazing i haven't had more concussions from running headfirst into brickwalls...

Mama got a squeeze-box




I have decided that before i die, i will learn to play a concertina. I LOVE concertinas. So, now i'm sure most of you are are asking yourself-
Tracy! What the hell is a concertina!
Well, let me tell ya:
It's a little accordian that you play with just your two hands, in and out, side to side and...hey! Keep it clean!! As i was saying, it's a cylindrical accordian with a sweet sweet sound.

Listen to the soundtrack of "Amelie" and you'll hear lots of concertina work. I defy you to resist the allure.

Thursday, November 20, 2008

Mothers Little Helper - click on photo to enlarge



A demo kitchen in the Merchandise Mart either had the most clueless or most naughty designer. This "loaf" of bread sat in the basket for nearly a month eliciting chuckles mainly from me and my co-workers until someone inside got hip to our glee and broke it into little pieces, ruining all our fun!

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Gena's Eventful Ride

Enjoy…my morning!





This morning…it was freezing! 21 degrees with the wind chill!



So I walk to the bus and it is stuffed even more than usual, because on top of the normal bodies stuffed into the bus now all their winter coats and scarves are stuffed in with us.



Of course I am to late to actually get a seat on the bus; however, due to my height I am not really at the same level with all the other heads…more like at their armpits. So instead of looking at everyone’s face, I can’t see them because there is a layer of scarves above me, I stare at everyone’s shoes. It is cold out today, like I said, so everyone had on their brand new boots. I was like owww those are cute, I wonder where she got those?



Then my eye follows down the aisle, and I see a pair of pink pumps, with no nylons. No nylons in the winter….that is a little weird?? I follow the legs up to see who exactly is making this fashion faux pas. My eye catches the eyes of the biggest black man ever. I mean I did notice that the feet were abnormally large, but I wear a 6 so everyone’s feet are large compared to mine. He looked straight at me and said, “Bitch you have a problem?” No problem sir, just admiring your shoes…great color!


Just another CTA story!

The world according to Marvin Gaye

Inner City Blues, Make Me Wanna Holler
Marvin Gaye


Rockets, Moon shots
spend it on the have nots
Money, we make it
fore we see it, you take it
OH make you wanna holler
they way they do my life
make me wanna holler
the way they do my life
this ain't livin, this ain't livin
no no baby, this ain't livin
no no no
inflation, no chance
to increase finance
bills pile up sky high
send that boy off to die
make me wanna holler
the way they do my life
make me wanna holler
the way they do my life
hang ups, let downs
bad breaks, set backs
natural fact is
i can't pay my taxes
oh, make me wanna holler
and throw up both my hands
yea, makes me wanna holler
and throw up both my hands
crime is increasing
trigger happy policing
panic is spreading
God knows where were heading
Oh make me wanner holler
they don't understand

Mother Mother
they don't understand us
who are they to judge us
Simply cause we wear our hair long


* The more things change in our universe, the more things stay the same. This song was written close to forty years ago.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Online Dating

So i finally succumbed to the online dating frenzy begun by one and now (not!) enjoyed by many of us.

We have discovered that if you are under 40, thin and relatively pretty this will be an awesome idea. Everyone else should probably fuck off back under the rock from which we came.

I have a few observations:

1. If you are 50
a. should you really request 25-39 yr olds
b. who are sexy, slender and athletic
c. when YOU look as old and beat down as Ernest Borgnine with a head cold?

2. Do you really need to include "I enjoy making love often" in your profile?
a. Unless you are a eunuch, i think the assumption will be made.
b. It makes you look REALLY creepy

3. If your photo shows you holding a drink, smoking a cigar and standing with Las Vegas in the background, i believe you may be telling the world that you are a colossal douchebag. You earn extra points if two siliconed Paris Hilton/Kim Kardashian Wannabes are in the photo!



Happy dating, everyone! It's a jungle out there.

Update: Now i fully realize this is a feminine point of view. Gents- if you have a comment to make, speak now or forever hold your piece..er peace.